Once More Into the Breach….

Tomorrow is the end of cycle 3.  Halfway through this block of chemo.  I’m anxious about what will happen on Thursday because I don’t handle uncertainty very well.  I like to know what’s going to happen, but unfortunately as this cycle proved, the test results from tomorrow’s bloodwork determine what happens on Thursday, and this won’t be known until I get to the hospital on Thursday morning.

The reason for my anxiety is that the chemo is only supposed to take about 2 hours, but last time my blood level was too low and so directly after the chemo they did a blood transfusion which meant the 2 hours became almost 7 hours.  That’s a long time to be in the hospital, especially when you weren’t prepared to be there that long.  Even more especially when you have to go back first thing the next morning for the next chemo.  This time I am more mentally prepared because I know it might happen again, and I know not to make plans for afterwards because they may not happen!  I just wish I had some advance warning.  Did I mention that I’m not good with uncertainty?

On the plus side, this cycle they added a fourth anti-nausea medication and it worked really well.  I still had some nausea, but with this new one, plus the other 3, life was much improved.  So much so that I was able to make it out of bed and with some effort made it to Mikael’s parents on Easter Saturday for a few hours. I did my egg painting (or stitching in my case – made a little felt rabbit head and put that on my egg. I painted a base as a collar for the rabbit so I wasn’t disqualified! LOL), and was at the supper table although I wasn’t up to eating. Mikael took me home immediately afterwards.  I was exhausted, but Mikael’s mamma was so happy that I turned up that I was so pleased I had pushed myself to go, and felt pretty proud that I managed to be part of the family Easter tradition despite what I had originally thought.  I know that this wouldn’t have been possible without the additional medication so I am so thankful for the drugs that help me cope with the side effects.

Other than that, not much to report at the moment.  I did have a bit of emotional downturn this past week.  As the new chemo cycle draws closer, and I know I will become a shadow of my usual self for almost a week, I wonder if the chemo is working.  I worry if it isn’t, whether they will decide to do a new course with different drugs and if these will be even harsher than the ones I have now.  Then I think if they aren’t working, I am going through all of this, losing almost a week in every two, for nothing.  It was a momentary lapse.  I know why I am doing this.  I am doing this because I have to do everything I can to get as much time as I can with my family.  I have read a few journals of people who had the same diagnosis as I have, and their stories, wrote a few years or more ago, show a far worse treatment and side effect program than I am experiencing.  This makes me so thankful for the researchers who work to make more effective drugs that, whilst still having a lot of side effects, seem to be far less violent in the body than those described in the journals.  Despite the slight lapse in positivity, I know how lucky I am to be getting the treatment I am.  Mustering together my inner strength, and crossing my fingers that no blood transfusion is required this time, onwards I go into cycle 4.